Am I being selfish?

Wow. I would like to thank everyone for the hugely positive response I got on my last post. As some of you may know, I started a Facebook page in which I could talk about things I’m doing professionally. I am still job hunting, but I’m “interning” at a local community theatre and I am very happy for the doors it has opened for me. So, if you care to check out my FB page and follow me there, where most of my updates will me, here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/KacieThings/

 

So, last week I mentioned how I am working on being more self-aware and exploring the options of self care. It’s a long, hard journey but I am really learning a lot as I study on my own. My goal is to get a job, get insurance, and then be able to start going back to therapy where I felt like I was making great strides in managing my depression and anxiety. However, finding a job has been the absolute hardest part of my recent move back to Texas.

One of the things I’m doing during my downtime is learning how other people have dealt with their mental health and overall wellness. I follow many blogs and YouTubers who talk about things I’m interested in, but also explore some of the things I’m focusing on with my own mental health journey.

Last week, I stumbled upon a video that just jumped out at me. I literally said, “Yes!” to my phone screen as I was watching it because it resonated with me so strongly. The video was made by the wonderful Margaret Kammer, and I’ll share it below:

 

I have watched this… an almost embarrassing amount of times because I feel like each time, I connect with something different. I’ve always considered myself a people-pleaser, and I’ve always been pretty proud of it. I sacrifice I lot for friends and family, and I very often will ignore my gut to make sure I’m going out of my way to make someone else’s day easier. As Margaret says in the video, that’s not always a bad thing! It’s great to help others, and being a good human being means helping others when you can. However, like she says a little later, “Yes, you are a part of the world, but that doesn’t have to be your first priority. Your first priority can be yourself and your happiness.

This has *always* been such a hard concept for me to grasp. I always find myself admiring people who perform these grad gestures of complete selfishness, and when I am able to do something in that realm, I am always doing it under the assumption that it is what is right. There is no other choice than for me to say “yes” to something, even if I am exhausted, uncomfortable, or have already made other plans. I put myself last, always saying I’ll “catch up on sleep this weekend,” or “I really didn’t want to go hang out with friends anyways.” I need to find that balance.

I am completely terrified of being seen as a selfish person. I can count at least a dozen times during the day where I need to make a decision, but I have to make sure that I choose what I believe will be the least selfish option. However, I’m slowly starting to learn that it’s sometimes okay to make a selfish decision. If it’s not harming someone, and will lead to my improved health and happiness, then I need to remind myself it’s okay to make that decision.

self-care-habit

I’d have to say that my favorite thing she says comes at the end of the video: “We all deserve to walk through the world freely and confidently because you belong here just as much as everyone else does.” I think, deep down, this is where my problem is rooted. I assume that doing something for someone else at the expense of myself will make me a better person. It will shine a more favorable light on me and people will see and know that I am good. However, I don’t actually need that validation! For some reason, it’s almost as if I’m wired to assume that if people think I’m good, then I am good. That’s not the case! I know what makes me a good person and if I sometimes have to take a step back to rest and rejuvenate, then that’s perfectly acceptable.

It seems so cheesy, but as RuPaul states so eloquently: “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

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Now, can I get an “Amen?” Haha.

This is still a daily struggle for me. I have no idea if I’ll ever truly grasp the idea of being okay with saying, “No” to someone or going with my gut when it comes to making decisions that benefit myself, but I’m working on it. Slowly, but surely.

I encourage you to check out Margaret’s channel if you enjoyed her video. I’ve always really liked what she does and I bet you will too! If you would like to see me talk more about mental health and self-care, please let me know as I have amassed a pretty decent amount of resources in my time.

As always, thank you so much for stopping by.

Until next time! ❤

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